Sunday, December 24, 2017

Christmas Eve Rambling

Haven't said much. Not much to say. Too much to say. Strange, sleepless delusions bouncing around my head, masquerading as "ideas". Or "opinions". Or even "wisdom". I don't even know how it is I got here, wondering how I got here. Just a strange mirror in a mirror image, an endless hall of me, thoughts slowly shrinking away in the distance.

Is this where I am supposed to be? Was this my stop, or did I take the wrong train down the track of life? Should I have gotten off at the last stop, or is my destination further down the road? I don't know. I just don't know. But, I have so many voices telling me that I do. Bizarre little echoes of friendship, flitting about from here to there, commending me on this, or deriding me for that. So many snippets of out-of-context wisdom, like the fortunes in little yellow cookies.

Too much sleep. Not enough rest.

I miss the rain. It speaks to me like nothing, & no one else can. Pitter-patter little truths, washing away the falsehoods of the day. I miss the cool drenching of my internal fire, temper tempered in so much little water. I close my eyes, & can almost feel it rolling down my faces. Drops burrowing in my beard, only to explode out with each furry chin scratch. I can breathe better in the rain, lungs filled with soothing mist. It's too late for rain. It's frozen in time, unable to speak to me. Mammoth corpse, mystery of before.

I can hear songs of forced joy. Not forced, expected. Sounds digging into your ears, trying to pull out buried memories. Excavating nostalgic emotion, for too many times long gone. They're too far in now, lost inside, echoing through my brain until all I hear is them. I prefer the lights, anyway.

I prefer the lights.

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